in the grand scheme of things.
So OK I have stress right now - eyebulls full - but is it important - NO
The last week or so the Beeb have shown various documentaries of the events five years ago today - and for some strange reason I have been drawn to watch many of them. I feel i should - to just sit and think really hard and say a prayer for all those poor souls who perished - and their family and friends and to make myself remember how lucky I am. I would say to try to understand - as we normally say in a tragic situation- but I can't and never will - the question "why" in this case is never going to be justified.
There was a particularly poignant programme a few days ago by 2 brothers who were filming a documentary about NY Fire department and it had me gripped - in tears. It was live footage by 2 ordinary guys who were meant to be filming just a "normal" fire crew but instead ended up in the thick of the whole day. Like many ordinary people did ...................
It made me look back at my life - 5 years ago in the midst of it all I was a VERY different person. I ws a "city chick" in flash suits, flash (ish) car and focused on material things. I watched it all live in a conference suite in London amongst many other "suits" and I can't even put into words how I felt at that time.
A year later I left that life needed a drastic change and went it "alone" AKA self employed living in PJ's lol (Not as a direct reasult of 9/11 to make it clear - just a choice at the time)
Since then things have VERY much changed - for the better. I may not be loaded, I may live on a crappy council estate in drug ridden Staines - but I have my sanity (almost) my family and many many good friends.
And after a year of bad health - I have my health.
I now am almost going back to the old way - in that I am going back looking for a career to throw myself in to - BUT I know I will do it with a pair of specs on that are very differently tinted.
I look back to my visit to NY full of immense excitement when my sister and her partner were out there - I think in 2000?
I had a blissful 5 days in true style just lapping up NY - what a fantastic city. I spent most of my time just wandering alone through the streets (with a belly loaded on corned beef hash brekkie) - many times just walking and walking and ending up far to far away from "home" and having to get a cab back
I particulary remember one evening when my sister had tickets to a fabby opening of some store or other - and made me glam up to the nines. So I did. Borrowed a VERY flimsy outfit off her by some "now" designer and felt ace. Felt not so ace an hour later when in a friends apartment she changed into jeans and a voyage cardi and left me stranded in a silk - well I would call it a skirt and boob tube but it was kind of only that lol. Turned up to the event and there were loads of models there ................. GREAT.
Evening ended somewhere (no idea) with a table type BBQ of all manners of meats with a bunch of models - and needless to say they ate nowt and me and rach were so hungry we just pigged out .................... don't you just love normal life???????
Anyway - I am rambling as usual - the point is I fell in love with NY on the first day - and I wish to go back and pay tribute in my own Bex way.
One day I will - until then I will just appreciate that I am very blessed and in moments when day to day life gets you pacing the house or park just remember how lucky you are
May all those feeling pain today feel some sense of the warmth that is winging its way to them from all over the globe.
Love Bex xxxxxxx
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8 comments:
Hi Bex,
I really liked this post. I have lots to say but it's so private that it doesn't seem fit for a blog comment. Suffice to say, I know what you mean about changing your life to doing more of what counts and less of what really doesn't matter.
Much Love,
-Natalie
Dear Bex,
Not sure how I got here today, by chance really. I just wanted to thank you for the great tribute to New York City and the people who live here, and for sharing your experience and feelings. New York loves you too, and welcomes you, whenever you decide to return!
It's a heavy day here in New York, as it was last year. Don't know how it was before as I didn't live here.
I decided to shut off everything, including the computer, and the tea kettle, and just shut up for 6 hours today, for the FDNY and all of the thousands upon thousands -- millions, who still suffer in varying degrees. Because I didn't know what else to do.
Thanks again, Elizabeth
I think the anniversary has more or less passed me by; though not so much so that I didn't find myself, at one point today, trying to put myself into the mind of some of the people who decided to jump from the towers rather than be burned. I remember being particularly horrified by such despair at the time (amid the general horror, etc).
Also, just generally looking at a lot of political websites and being frustrated at how black and white so many people seem to think Politics is.
Absolutely no comment on your disgraceful yet highly Fulleresque Oh! I've Got Major News I Think, But Hey! I'm Not Going To Tell You What It Is.
Bex, I cried that day - and yesterday, too, while watching how those tragic events so changed the lives of thousands.
My life in the relative remote wilderness of the Canadian Rockies was and is far different than yours in London - but emotions are emotions no matter what you do or where you live.
The day it happened I was watching the early morning news before waking my 3 children.
I watched the events unfold on live telelvion with a fascinated horror.
The first thing I did was call my parents who live near Montreal to see if they were alright - and to cry on Mum's shoulder. It was as though I needed to talk to my mum in order to make sense of the tragedy.
My kids were all in school that day and I had the day off. I was planning an all-day mountain bike ride with a girl friend.
We did not end up riding, but sat on her deck overlooking the lake and mountains wondering how such terrible things were happening in NYC.
Yet everything was as usual here...
The eagles still cirled, the ravens remained cocky, the sun shone and glinted off the lake...
We cried and we looked out and reveled in our good fortune...
I have never been to NYC, but I lived only a few hours drive from there while I was growing up in Montreal.
I will join you and the millions of others who are sending their thoughts to those who have felt the devastating effects of that day.
I am also glad you clarified the fact that, in fact, it was not the events on Sept 11 2001 that caused you to retire into your PJ's!
Hi Bex,
I remember watching that document with the 2 French guys following the rookie as he joined Engine 1 Ladder 7. It was touching at the end where one of them got married in the firehouse.
I remember being on holiday at a place called Sea Palling in Norfolk, and hearing 2 women in a shop talking about it. Weirdest thing was, my parents and I were on holiday in the same road when we heard Princess Diana had died over the wireless. Spooky...
...Haven't been back to that lace since 2001. Feels kinda jinxed to me.
Most harrowing image for me was the couple of colleagues who held hands as they jumped from WTC1.
I was at the golf range yesterday when the anniversary of the moment the first plane hit happened, and it felt weird seeing no planes over Thame, heading for Heathrow, and very alone being the only person there.
Take care,
Ben
Nice post Bex. Touching.
brilliant
I really liked this post Bex, very well written.
You seem content, and with less stress in your life.
I used to work for a big computer distributor. I got to work on some really cool projects during the 8 years I was there. The retail launch of Microsoft Wondows 95 was a big project, then organizing series of large trade shows, one of them in Cancun at the new Ritz Carlton. It was interesting work, lots of different projects that were out of the box, and I was very good at it. But after a while a felt like a cog on a big wheel. After 8 years I was caught up in a massive downsizing brought on by the dotcom crash, just like that after 8 years, it was easy for the corpration to remove a few cogs from the wheel. Then 7 months without a job, designing postcards and websites on the side to scrape by. Almost lost my first house, but somehow was able to make it. So, today, I work for a much smaller company, less than 50 people. I feel less stress, I feel somewhat important to the organization, that what I do makes a difference. When I do something good, we can see the results in improves sales almost right away. It isn't always interesting though, gets a bit boring, but I have time to pursue music and other creative interests. What I discovered in that 7 months without a job (part of it during 9/11) is life is fleeting, it shouldn't be all about work, and many of us tend to define ourselves by our career. I'm glad my job isn't that important in the grand scheme of things. I think if I leave behind some nice songs for my nieces and nephews, and to instill a love of music in them, and to be missed when I am gone, then that is enough. We have not had children yet, and we are not sure if we will have them, if we do, then I would want to be remembered as a great Father who enjoyed life while he was here.
I watched a really depressing biopic on Peter Sellers last night, and although he was a brilliant comedian, he was a miserable human being, and that's no way to be remembered.
Well, sorry to have rambled, you sort of took me back 5 years and up to the present day.
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